His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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