On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
