It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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