Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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