Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
