you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
