so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
