I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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