You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
