Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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