Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
