he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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