So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have fence marks all over my body
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
