we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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