Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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