She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
