my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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