this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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