fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
