It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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