not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
birth control should be required to get into college
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
