Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
