there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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