Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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