Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
