He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
