$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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