I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize