you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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