How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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