It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
