i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
