Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
