Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
