so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
