my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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