I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
