so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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