i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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