have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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