I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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