My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
