What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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