mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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