Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
