I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Randomize
