he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
