His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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