She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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