Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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