She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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