anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
