My sheets look like a crime scene.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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