Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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