Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
