I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize