No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
