she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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