he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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