I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize