The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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