How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
